Kerry Concedes

That's a wrap, folks. Kerry just called Bush to concede, and will give a speech live at 1:00pm:

The Democratic source said Bush called Kerry a worthy, tough and honorable opponent. Kerry told Bush the country was too divided, the source said, and Bush agreed. "We really have to do something about it," Kerry said according to the Democratic official.

Despite what may not be considered a favorable outcome by the voters represented in this blog, we had a lot of fun, and definitely enjoyed getting comments from you guys throughout the night.

Thanks for reading our election blog, and for the next four years, be sure to check out elephantlarry.blogspot.com.

Sincerely,
Elephant Larry

Moving Day

Due to the enormous* success of this blog, we're spinning it off into an open-ended, non-election themed blog at:

elephantlarry.blogspot.com

Wowie. That's a totally different address from the blog you're currently reading. Aren't we creative?

In any case, we may continue this blog as electiony things continue to happen, but for the reminder of ALL TIME, please turn your attention to the new blog. I don't want to make any promises, but let's just say the new blog will kick off with a bang when Elephant Larry hits Los Angeles to WIPE OUT A RIVAL GANG!!!

I may be lying about that.

-alex


*Enormous might be stretching it, but we've been having fun, and lot's o' people have been reading this blog and responding positively to it. Thank you, "people!"

Don't Wake Me Up

Stupid brain.

I had this terrific dream where the decision in Florida was reversed (not in Ohio where it's closer, but in now-decisive Florida, for some reason). I was watching MSNBC, and I got to watch the little ticker at the bottom right corner change and move Kerry into favor. He hadn't quite tipped 270 yet, but things were looking pretty good.

And then I woke up.

Sigh.

Things around my brother's apartment are weird now. My brother and I both seem to be in shock a little bit, not taking it as badly as either one of us imagined we would. Probably because neither one of us are too surprised, unfortunately. My sister-in-law, on the other hand, is really pissed off, because she has to go to work at her largely pro-Bush financial firm today, and she's afraid she's gonna see lots of jerks hugging each other.

Stop hugging, jerks.

-jerf

Transformers!

The screenwriter of such gems as The Core and Rush Hour 2 is writing the live-action Transformers Movie.

Can this day get much worse?

You Now Can't Eat a Bag of Dicks in 11 States

Okay, so they're going to keep counting the votes, which is admirable. At least Kerry is keeping his promise, which is good.

But let's, for the moment, assume Bush has won. Again. For some reason.

Who is this good for?
Republicans
Other people who voted for him
Zell Miller
Political Satirists/Angry New York Performance Artists*
Robert Novak, who can finally return his soul to Hell

Who is this bad for?
Democrats
Anybody who makes below $200,000 a year
Iran
Homosexuals
Fishes & Birds
The large majority of the International Community
Women
Young People
Devotees of law & order (the concept, not the TV show)

Who is this a draw for?
News networks. They managed to blather themselves into over-cautiousness, except Fox News, who called Ohio for Bush at about 12:30 last night. You, Fox News, can have all the bags of dicks I have left over.

In any case, enjoy your civil war, America!

Anybody else surprised that this "one day only" blog has now lasted for three days?

-alex


*Look, I know they voted for Kerry, and are probably kicking their stack of paint cans that is shaped like a red, white, and blue vagina right now, but secretly, this also means they can keep doing their anti-Bush performance art piece, which was doing very well at an alternative loft space in Williamsburg. So for them, it's a good thing.

Youth of the Nation

I *just* heard (and we'll see how true this is) that the youth vote just didn't happen AT ALL this election - that among eligible voters, 18-24, only 10% showed up. 10%. That's pathetic. What happened?

UPDATE: Okay, so the 10% figure is the proportion of youth voters to the general voting public. Apparently the youth vote went up - but so did rest of the voting population, so the proportion remained the same. Here's an article in the San Jose Mercury News about this:

http://www.mercurynews.com/mld/mercurynews/news/10086690.htm?1c

Still Asleep

Remember how I told you to wake me when we have a President?

I'm still asleep.

-alex "had electoral map nightmares all night" zalben

Well, I'm Retarded

Yeah, because I woke up around 5 and decided to, you know, casually check out CNN where shit is still ongoing. Sigh. It ain't hopeful but it ain't final either DAMMIT!

Uneasy

I can't quite go to bed yet, but I am going to go curl up on the couch and feel sad down in the pit of my stomach. It doesn't look good for Kerry right now - of course, anything's possible, and Ohio could still be a huge mess - but I don't understand. This doesn't feel like my country. I don't understand. I'm not sure how I'm going to feel about four more years of this.

I need a hug.

stefan

Good Night.

Must Sleep

I can't take this... I'm going to go to bed as angry as I did four years ago. And then I'm going to wake up angry, take an angry shower, and go to work, where I will pretend to be a pleasent dude.

Current polling:

(Bush/Kerry)
234/188 - CNN
210/144 - Fox News (Jesus, Fox News, can you post California already?)
207/206 - MSNBC

Barf. I'd tell everybody to eat a bag of dicks, but there's at least six states you're not allowed to do that in anymore.

Wake me when we have a President,
Alex

Grow a pair

Okay, news networks. Florida doesn't look all that close to me. Somebody grow a pair and end our suffering! Call the frickin' state.

ARRRGH!! A million more voters turn out this year than in 2000. Result? Same frickin' thing, if not worse?!!! WTF?!!

FRACKIN' MSDAF:LKJFSDJSDF.

I Wish They All Could Be California

News from a Republican on the coast: disappointment, but understanding. By the way, any reason Fox News has yet to report California, despite it being a done deal for over an hour?

Pennsylvania is the only big "surprise" win so far I've noticed, but we've still got about 40 million votes to count. That's more than either contender currently has, total.

I'll tell you this, though. Bush is slightly in the lead, and it seems to be holding like that across the country. I don't want to be pessimistic, but it looks like a trend.

If he takes Ohio, that's that. If Kerry takes Ohio, that's also that.

Please be over soon.

Newsflash!

The Daily Show is VERY funny.

And congrats to Bob Wiltfong for his awesome correspondant segment.

Okay, it's back on. My prediction? More hilarious commentary!

Gramercy Live

Hello from Gramercy Park, Elephant Larry readers. This is Jerf, freshly relocated to my brother's apartment to watch the rest of the returns.

The general mood in this newsroom is mildly nervous with a touch of sarcasm. Although everyone is in agreement that my brother makes rather good popcorn.

More on the popcorn as events warrant.

This Just In

I know it's a little early in the game, and not all the precincts have reported in yet, but CNN reports that they are going to prank call Florida, in favor of heavy breathing and some vague intimations that Florida's refrigerator is in fact running and should be caught immediately.

Unsurprising

Because no states have been officially declared to be upsets, I am currently sitting in a room where everyone is sarcastically applauding each time they award a state to the candidate who was clearly going to win it.

West Virginia to Bush! Woooooo, yayyyy, what a surprise!
Vermont? Kerry? No way!
Nebraska split its votes 4-1 in favor of Bush because its electoral process runs differently from any other state? Oh.

Of course, I've been sarcastic as anyone, throwing my back out in sarcastic applause when New York went to Kerry.

By the way, nicely done, NY!

Geoff

News from a Fox

Okay, so far no surprises. BUT, and take this with a grain of salt, word from a certain network is that they are not happy.

Look at us with sources and things, like some sort of real news outlet.

News from Wisconsin

So here's the latest update from Kath in Wisconsin. Apparently, the voter target in her district was supposed to be 20,000 -- but at 6 o'clock, with an hour left of the polls, and lines out the door, they've already hit 60,000. Normal turnout is 36% and they've already hit 83% - with expectations that it will hit 90% by the time voting ends. This is absolutely incredible...more as we hear it here at Elephant Larry Victory Headquarters 04. Back to you!

stefan

I Just Had a GREAT Idea Maybe

So what about this for a potential service?

If Bush happens to win the election, what about a media company that, for a minimal fee, will filter all actual news and happenings through a Kerry-filter, so you can believe you live in a world where Kerry won?

~Chris

Actually Fake Info

I totally just read this:

No matter what the decision is (or if it remains undecided), Kerry and Bush will lightly spar each other at 1:30 AM. They will both wear headgear, groin cups, and LA Gear sneakers that light up with each step.

Kerry will wear red trunks and Bush will wear blue trunks. Why? Because they have a sense of humor about this whole thing, unlike the rest of this stupid, nervous country. :)

Actually Serious Inside Info

Inside info from the International Press:

- Democractic Precincts are turning out at higher rates than Republican Precincts in Ohio and Florida.

- Black & Latino Precincts are WAY outperforming their turnout across the board. Meaning, Black is 20% over, Latinos as high as 44% over.

Blue 5, Reporting In

This is Stefan, reporting in for blogging duty here at Elephant Larry Victory Headquarters 04. More to come, including a hard-hitting Kath-in-Wisconsin update. Stay tuned!

P.S. I hope people voted for the return to reasoned discourse, and for the taking the wheels off of this crazy train hurtling toward hell.

Holy Crap!

Some totally unsurprising stuff has happened, including Bush capturing Georgia, Kentucky, and Indiana, and Kerry capturing Vermont.

Also, CNN has informed us that they will be monitoring Exit Polls using analysts, who are a group of people who... analyze... polls.

Also, Wolf Blitzer has let us know that they don't know anything. Thank you, Wolf.

-alex

Vegas, baby

According to the Stardust Resort and Casino, Bush is the favorite to win the presidency at 6:5 odds. Kerry is at even odds. Stardust knows, babies.

Place your bets you gamblin' fiends!

Sex With the Candidates

Consensus is that Bush would be better to have sex with than Edwards.

Edwards is prettier, but Bush would totally fuck you reeeeal good.

Jeff says, "I will not pull out of you. It feels too right."

Expect a lot more of this.

20 minutes...

...Until we still don't know anything.

They may make tentative predictions, but I'm really doubtful we'll know anything until hours later.

This is so nerve-wracking, I'm going to go put my laundry in the dryer.

-alex

Oh!

I forgot to mention!

This morning, when I went to vote, I couldn't find my shoes. I kept thinking that I was totally being disenfranchised, since I had just read M. Zalben's funny post about disenfranchisement. I thought specifically that I was being disenfranchised by a certain family member who was voting in a different direction. I accused him/her of disenfranchising me at an alarming rate.

And then I found my shoes in the pile of stuff where I left them the night before. Turns out I was simply disenfranchising myself. End transmission!

G-Off

Disenfrusioned

I don't know if anyone else's brain is like mine, but every time I hear "disenfranchised" I immediately think "disillusioned."

That's all, I guess. Mildly relevant too!

Alex is taking a shower right now, in case anybody's curious.


~Chris

...And We're Back

The EL Boys are all converging on one place, so no hilarious back and forth for a while, as we'll all be typing on one computer.

I'm surprised no one is calling it yet, but obviously the media is a little wary since 2000.

However, in the total conjecture department, Wonkette is pretty much calling it a rout, in favor of Kerry.

And after talking to my roomie Erin, she says that mid-morning, Bush Futures crashed, and Kerry Futures went up 16%. What does this mean? As far as I understand it, it means that manufacturers, companies, etc. believe that Kerry is going to win, and they are willing to invest in a manner that would support his policies.

By the way, you heard it here thirty-first, but my guess is that we see Red, Red, Red up until Ohio, and then it all starts crashing down.

Crashing down in favor of Kerry, I mean.

-alex

Aaaaaaaaaahhhh...BREAKOUT!

This whole election thing is making me break out. I've been having awesome skin...until this week. And now, I have three zits that, while not catastrophic, are certainly there. I can't wait for this to be over.

stefan

Astronaut & A Haircut

Astronaut Votes From Space - I think it's pretty cool they actually don't tell you who he voted for. Although I'd love to know.

Okay, I'm off to get a haircut, and then back home in time for the first exit polls.

Anybody want to dare me to get Kerry's face shaved in the back of my head?

-alex

And then there were 7:30

Yeah, I don't know what's up with my CNN Clock. It now tells me there's 15 minutes until the 7:30pm Polls close.

So let's talk about 7:30pm:

North Carolina: Bush, 15 EV
Ohio: See Below
West Virginia: Bush, 5 EV

So 7:30 is actually a lot dicier than 7pm, and could be particularly indicative and crucial to the election.

First off, we have NC & WV, which are both weakly for Bush.

Then there's Ohio. Right now, both Slate & Electoral Vote have it for Bush. However, Wonkette's early polling, which even she admits could be based on ANYTHING, puts Kerry slightly ahead.

The amount of effort put into Ohio, both by the Kerry campaign and young voters travelling to the state MIGHT push it to Kerry.

Conventional wisdom holds that no President has ever won the election without winning Ohio. Yeah, I know this isn't a conventional election, but I still think this is the first state to really pay attention to.

-alex

What is Going On at Cnn.com?

Okay, so earlier, I posted about Cnn.com's awesome looking Election Page. And all day, without thinking too much of it, I've been working off of their poll result clock.

The first polls get out at 7pm, EST.

Currently, their countdown clock is at less than 30 minutes left.

Further investigation shows that the clock works off of your computer's clock. But I have the right time here. AND Cnn.com is showing the right time. So if they're not counting down to the closing of the first polls, what ARE they counting down to?

First thought? At 4:00pm, Paul Begala is going to eat Tucker Carlson on live television.

Second thought? At 4:00pm, Kathy will be given a pie. On live television.

More likely thought: Their clock is coded wrong.

However, I bet that by 4:00pm, they'll start mentioning VERY preliminary exit polls from the 7pm closing states, especially any ones they're very sure of. Nobody wants to make a mistake, but let's look at the states closing at 7pm. I mean, the polls closing at 7pm. The whole state isn't closing. Hopefully.

Georgia: Bush, 15 EV
Indiana: Bush, 11 EV (There's almost no doubt about this)
Kentucky: Bush, 8 EV
South Carolina: Bush, 8 EV (also almost no doubt)
Virginia: Bush, 13 EV (so much no doubt it's unbelievable)
Vermont: Kerry, 3 EV (solid as a civil union)

So here's the thing. These are, across the board, pretty easy to predict. Granted, there may be tremendous surprises and upsets, but don't be scared if, for the first few hours, it looks like Bush is winning this thing easily. We still have all night to go. And the day after that. And weeks, and weeks, and weeks...

alex

UPDATE: Okay, I wrote too soon. Given history, and current polling, I do feel confident with my summation above. BUT, Slate puts Indiana on the razors edge, calling it for Kerry. We shall see.

Electoral Tie

http://msnbc.msn.com/id/6385561/

So this story crops up in a minor way every presidential election. In a tie, the House selects the President and the Senate selects the Veep. Meaning we could keep having President Bush and gain a Vice President Edwards.

When I told my brother Pat-Pat this, he immediately responded "And then they would have to make a sitcom." Which is true, but only if the Supreme Court also splits on the Sitcom Issue. But that's less unlikely than it seems, what with Rehnquist's health problems...

I love Pat-Pat.

EJECT PEACH PIE

I AGREE. THROW PEACH PIE IN THE GARBAGE.

The clear winner here is voting, as you get to take nice walks with your mother or observe paranoia, or see celebrities or sleep late or listen to Nelson's first album.

Let's go voting! Four more years!

This is Geoff by the way.

Speaking of Pies & Kathy

So funny you should mention that, Alex, because I JUST talked to Kath, and she reported that whereas she has not had an opportunity to sample any baked good pies in the battleground state of Wisconsin, she did take a break after her morning shift and enjoy some fine pizza pies at the Kerry-Edwards campaign headquarters. Said Kath:

"They were good, a little soggy on the bottom, but pretty good. And they were free. We just went back to the headquarters and they had stacks and stacks of pizza pies there. Can't argue with that."

No you can't. You certainly can't. She also reported that other perks were available to get-out-the-vote volunteers as well, such as frappucinos, but that's a topic for another time.

stefan

Nerves

Jesus. It's only 3 and I'm really fricking nervous about this Kathy/Pies thing. How long are we gonna have to wait??? If this takes 'til 2 in the morning I'm gonna go nuts.


EJECT PEACH PIE

Kathy or Pies

Okay, let's be honest here. What's gotten more reaction on this Blog:

- Kathy's fascinating and relevant reports from the Wisconsin Polls

- Pie

Pie, in this race at least, is the clear winner.

Now most rational people would say, "Let's Kill Kathy!" But I'm not one of those people.

I say, "Let's hear Kathy report about delicious pies from Wisconsin."

Kathy, the ball is in your gauntlet. Court. Whatever.

-Alex

Pies

It's really not a fair question because the choices aren't fully explained. How about we try just a bit harder?

---Vote---

Within this option, there are about 15 major options. Primarily, there is a Republican candidate named George W. Bush, who apparently has been the president already. Then there is a Democrat candidate named John Kerry, whose face is melting.

There about 13 independent or third-party tickets as well. Some of the more interesting include Ralph Nader with the reform party and Gene Admonson with the Prohibition Party. Interestingly, former porn star Marilyn Chambers is a Vice Presidential candidate with the Personal Choice Party. (Source: http://www.politics1.com/p2004.htm)

---Pie---

Within this option, there are millions of options. Here are a few:

Apple Pie
Apple Crumb Pie
Apple Raisin Pie
Peach Pie
Strawberry Rhubarb Pie
Pecan Pie
Toll House Cookie Pie (a favorite with my kids)
Blueberry Pie
Cherry Pie
Cherry Strudel (would you consider strudel a type of pie?)
Banana Cream Pie
Sweet Potato Pie
Pumpkin Pie (I don't have kids)
Pumpkin Molasses Pie
Mudpie

(Source: my brain, but if you don't have access to my brain, try www.epicurious.com, www.foodtv.com, or buy a fricking cookbook you loser)


Anyway, just be aware that there are choices WITHIN your choices. And that you should choose pie.

Vote or Pie

Here's a thought:

Would you choose Vote or Pie?

Personally, I'd choose pie, but that's just because I've voted already.

Wisconsin Anecdote

Kath just called, with a cute story about this old baboushka-ish woman whom she encountered while encouraging people to go to the polls. Kath asked her if she had already voted, and she had -- but then the woman asked if Kath was working to get Kerry elected. Kath said she was, and the woman responded that "Maybe I should vote again, then." She was kidding, of course, and Kathy was very impressed by the funniness of this old woman. And then she called me. And then I blogged about it. Oh, man, I feel ill. I think I'll go design something.

stefan

Paranoia??

Jerf signing in.

I voted today at 11:15 in sunny Port Washington. As I headed to the United Methodist Church, I tried to check out all the cars following me on Port Washington Boulevard in my rearview. I wanted to see these determined looks on everyone's faces, as if we were all joining together for this big job. But people just looked kinda dogged.

Everybody in the polling center was making nevous conversation. Why are we all so nervous??

Well, personally, I was nervous 'cause I've never voted before. Yes, I know. I'm still getting shit from people for not voting in 2000. I'm sorry already! Get over it.

Anyhoo, after reading about all these confusing ballots, I was kinda shaky heading into the booth. I double- and triplechecked everything before pulling the lever, but really, it seemed pretty straightforward. I guess I was just afraid that they were going to pull the voting booth away right when I got there and replace it with those chit tab ballots from Florida. At which point I would have cried like a broken baby lamb.

Well, I'm just babbling here, because I, like the rest of the Larries, am nervous and itchy about this whole day of waiting. Time to try to work.

Btw, I hope it wasn't wrong of me to encourage people to vote in the EL email. I didn't think it was a particularly partisan stance, so hopefully that was okay.

-jerf

Time-Wasters

Here's some stuff to read to, you know, get your mind off the election:

McSweeney's:
Campaign-Trail Quotes From George W. Bush, If He Were Running for President in 1848.

The Onion:
Republicans Urge Minorities to Get Out and Vote on Nov. 3rd


Wait, isn't that why we're supposed to be writing this blog?

Three Hours!

Yes, that's right. About three hours, and then we might have some real news. About anything. At all.

In the meantime, let's make up our own news:

- Bush Grows Extra Arm
- Edwards, Jenna Bush In Sex Scandel
- Kerry Totally Gay

Eh, I'm tired of that already.

By the way, once we do have results, this thing is gonna be awesome.

Livefrom

So CNN has a show called Livefrom that's playing right now. They just showed one of those O.J. Simpson-esque helicopter shots of a black SUV. This black SUV is John Kerry's car as he's going to vote. Which we need to see for some reason.

I think this just underscores Stefan's point that there's nothing going on currently.

Kath Update

So just talked to her - what she's doing is, she has a particular precinct assigned to her and her team, and she's going to be going around, hanging up signs with the specific polling place location and times, making sure that everybody knows where they're supposed to be going and when. That's awesome. Go Kath! Apparently there are hundreds of people out everywhere, with signs and stuff. She'll be updating me later today on the atmosphere there in Wisconsin. Woo!

stefan

Mid-Day Round-Up

First off, I want to point everybody in the direction of the NY Times rather great election photo slide-show (It's on the front page, towards the top... If not, just search for it). While you're looking think about if any of these photos will stand the test of time... probably not, but maybe. I'm particularly partial to the photo of W at a Rally, and the one of just Bush at the debates... You'll see what I mean.

In other news... There is no news. People are voting today. The end.

Eminem's Mosh Video, however, has made a decisive stand as the number one video on TRL. Go Eminem, Go!

Question of the Post: Does voting on TRL properly prepare you for voting for President? And if so, should we only show the middle twenty seconds of any particular speech by said Presidential candidates?

Anybody else having trouble concentrating?

Yeah, I haven't been able to do much of anything. Which is annoying because THERE'S NO NEWS. There's nothing for me to follow, just a bunch of vague predictions one way or another, more protracted background based on old polling information, and a general sense of uncertainty and malaise. Talking Points Memo seems to think that the nation is slightly trending toward Kerry. We'll see.

Mostly I seem to be refreshing this here blog to see if anything new's up. I like our new American Flag photo, if I do say so myself. If anybody wants a bigger version of it for, I don't know, your desktop or something, comment below and I'll send one to you. Bleagh. I should probably be doing work, but I feel kinda ill at ease.

Did I mention there's no news? Not even in this blog entry is there any news. I wish I was actually doing something. Speaking of which, big shoutout to my friends Kath & Spoons who are both helping out in their own ways -- Spoons, in Pennsylvania, with MoveOn, personally appealing to voters on lists to get out and vote. And Kath, in a car on her way to Wisconsin to help "swing the state blue." Just got a text message from here about it. I'm going to give her a call.

stefan

This or That

Here are just some things that I think are funny and don't know how to introduce:

Vote or Choose
Die or Die
Pick or Treat!
Elect Ya Reject
Rock the Goat
Choose Or Booze Cruise
Remember To Have Chosen Or Lost
Just Pick Something Already
Bush or Kerry or Nader or Someone Else, I Guess

I just realized Rock the Vote is a play off of the phrase "rock the boat". Hmmph. Not coincidentally, my least favorite of these is Rock the Goat.

Slip of the Tongue

Is anybody else accidentally saying things like, "Rock the Vote!" and "Choose or Lose!" instead of "Have a Good Day," or "Thanks?"

Probably just me and the Cloonster.

My Vote Is In

Geoffrey Haggerty here and I have cast my vote. I gotta say, I didn't enjoy the tactile sensation of voting quite so much as Stef and Al did. The handlebar thing didn't click quite satisfactorily enough for my liking. But the font was certainly very neatly official looking!

My wait time was five minutes, as I voted in a little NYC Park-house where I used to go to daycamp and my brother used to go for pre-school. Beforehand I went for a nice stroll with my mother through the crisp November morning, debating politics and Halloween candy. Then we strolled back home and I ate a ham sandwich and some Halloween candy.

On another note, an Elephriend sent an e-mail noting she was on line ahead of CHUCK SCHUMER. She got a handshake from the man, was photographed by the New York Times, voted for him then saw Jennifer Connelly walk by.

At least I ate ham sandwich.

George Clooney's Blog

Celebrities... Will they never stop whining about their privileged lives? Oh wait.

Wonder which way the old Cloonster is voting today...

President Match

One of the students at my work (I work at NYU) just told me she had to wait TWO HOURS to vote. And not only that, but people would come up, see the long line, and leave.

When are you coming back, people? The line is still gonna be there*.

Anywho, while you're waiting, why not try out this fun site, President Match, which Marni pointed out to me yesterday.

Turns out, I'm 92% for Kerry. Good thing I already voted for him, then.

Also, Gothamist has a good idea how to pick up your free porn.


*Maybe you aren't coming back. In that case, see Chris's post below.

VOTE OR DIE!

Chris again.


Has anyone chosen death over voting yet?

I mean, come on. It's a big country. Somebody's had to, right?

When does the death thing happen? Right when you decide in your heart that you're not voting? Or after the polls close and you officially lose the chance to vote?

Do you die suddenly? Is it painful? The T-Shirts certainly suggest so.

And who's the one doing the killing? Sean? A mob of glamorous celebs? Are the elderly and terminally ill using non-voting as an alternative to assisted suicide? Then it's celebrity-sanctioned assisted suicide, and that's certainly an interesting way to go.

How do the people in New Hampshire feel about this campaign? Can some one please poll them for godsakes?

So many questions.

So many dangerous, dangerous questions.

More Polls (Well, More Poll)

Do they even matter at this point?

Did they even matter BEFORE this point?

Electoral College Meta-Analysis is putting Kerry at 311, Bush at 227, factoring in voter turn-out, which does seem to be at an all time high.

According to various count-down clocks, we're a little more than 7 hours away from the first poll closings...

Any predictions as to when we start getting the first declarations that one party or another has taken a state?

Meanwhile, the NY Post continues to be statistically significant. I'd say I was going to stop reading the Post today, but I'd be depriving myself of so much wildly inaccurate information.

F*ck The Vote

From the NY Post:

"PORN director Seymore Butts — star of Showtime's reality series "Family Business" — is giving away dirty DVDs to anyone who shows up at the Virgin Megastore in Times Square tonight with proof of having voted. "We'd like them to vote for Kerry, but if they voted for Bush and come to get a free Seymore DVD . . . well, that's a little telling, isn't it?" he says. Butts and porn starlet Mari Possa will distribute DVDs to randy voters beginning at 6:30 p.m."

How do you get proof that you voted? Anyone know?

Not that I want free porn or anything.

Time to Rock the Wait

FYI, I'm getting reports that people are having to wait anywhere from 10 minutes to over an hour and a half.

And this is just in New York, which is considered a done deal.

I repeat: DO NOT WORRY ABOUT WORK. Just go, and wait, and get antsy, and then vote, and then, maybe, go to work.

But before you do, buy yourself a treat, cause you've done good.

Absenteeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Hi everyone. A well-rested Principe here.

I slept late this morning. Took a nice, warm shower. Had a nice, crunchy bowl of cereal. And skipped the usual busride to take a nice, sunny stroll past stressed-out enfranchisers on the way to work.

In case you haven't figured it out, I did the whole Absentee thing for this year's election. And let me tell you, I am feelin' sooooooooo relaxed today. I'd like to say I voted Absentee-style to help strengthen the democratic voice for my home swingin' state, but unfortunately that's not the case. Nope, my path was paved not with morality, but LAZINESS. I just didn't know where I had to go to vote in my neighborhood and I didn't really feel like having to worry about it, and come on you know what I mean, so don't give me crap about it, okay? I didn't have to talk to anyone, didn't have to wait on lines and got to vote against Sue Kelly, my stupid Westchester Congresswoman.

There've actually only been two bad aspects about the Absentee Ballot route that I've experienced so far:

~I had to pay some stupid postage for the stupid ballot to be mailed, so that was stupid.

~I was really worried this whole last week that the candidate I voted for about a week ago was gonna turn out to be a child molestor or something and then I'd have to live the rest of my life knowing that I supported a child molestor.


Happy voting...suckers!

Curse You, MTA!

Man, I've been disenfranchised so many times this morning:

1) I actually woke up at 6:30 this morning, for no reason, and couldn't get back to sleep. Curse you, disenfranchising brain!

2) The line for voting took over 40 minutes. Now, I've lived in the same place for over five years, and I've NEVER seen a voting line that long. Or even close to that long. Curse you disenfranchising interested in voting public!

3) Then, both the 7 train AND the 6 train weren't running properly! Curse you MTA, for disenfranchising my breakfast from reaching my stomach on time.

Anyway, voting was awesome. But nerve-wracking... I really do feel like, as cool as it is, the system (at least in New York) needs to be updated. Hopefully, the touch screen thing will be fixed in the next four years.

I also, honestly, felt an incredible surge of emotions while waiting on line:

Nervousness, that I wouldn't be able to vote (and funny story about that: despite the fact that I had my driver's license sitting in front of her, the polling rep actually signed me in as some guy named David, before I pointed out she had made a mistake. And yet, she momentarily still insisted that my name was David. I made a joke that I could vote for both of us, but she didn't laugh.)

Happy Tears, because for the first time in years, I felt powerful against that asshole in office. Yes, I voted for Kerry. Can you believe it?

Worry, because what if the rest of the population is idiots?

Introspection, trying to think how I could properly word this experience and then post it in a blog.

Anyway, it's over now (at least for me). I get very excited about voting, actually, and it's good to see that tons of other people (at least where I was), are excited as well.

By the way, just to briefly address the "my vote doesn't matter in New York" thing: there's also a Senate race. And a LOT of other races. These are also important.

Me? I'm just self-important.

Alex

That Dinosaur Has A Lot of Thunder

It cannot be a coincidence that one of the main ad sponsors on CNN.com today (surely a webhit bonanza) is the PowerRanger:DinoThunder DVD & Video. I'd love to see that on their marketing plan - "Well, we can advertise on Fox Kids, send out a buncha mailers, and, oh, I don't know, advertise on CNN.com during Election Day." (hearty rounds of applause from the PowerRangers executives, all of who are sitting around in color-coded suits) I guess they're certainly going to hit the grownups will end up buying these things, but oh, man. What's next? Yu-Gi-Oh ads on talkingpointsmemo.com?

Aaaaaaand It's Done

7:40AM: Well, there we go. 25 minutes later and I'm back home again, blogging and listening to Nelson's first album, After the Rain, in mock celebration. Tons of people were there already - the gymnasium (or whatever it was, uh, I forgot to check - I think it was a school?) was full of booths and plenty of people lining up. I was in district 17, though, apparently unpopulous, and was allowed to basically walk straight up, present my documentation and vote the hell out of myself. I was talking to Alex about this yesterday, but it is damn nerve-wracking to vote, even if the whole system is relatively straightforward. I doublechecked everything before finally pulling that giant red lever on my straight Democratic ticket. It's actually a totally cool machine - it obviously has been used since the fifties sometimes, all gunmetal and public-school desk looking, and some of the levers I was switching down had to be really jammed to work. In addition, from a graphic design perspective, even the candidates' names were written in this awesome font that screamed "I'm an official government document from the fifties." I'm going to guess that it's the same printer that's been doing the ballot list for however many years. Fucking A. It just looked so classic and official.

Couldn't quite gauge the mood of the people there - the election workers seemed to be in a good mood, but nobody else it looked like shared my ebullient glee at participating this time around. Though this is probably reasonable - nobody's really laughing about this election or claiming it "doesn't matter." But come on, people, you're in Blue New York. We're going to be doing the right thing, we're gonna have done our part. Ah, well. Okay, time to get showered and ready to go.

After the rain washes away the tears, all the pain
Only after the rain, you'll live again.

And They're Off

7:15 AM: Rolling out of bed, not showering, not doing nothing, just busting on over to my polling place at 339 8th St., driver license and utility bill in hand, ready to vote. I've never actually voted in a booth before (absentee'd only in 1996), so I'm kinda nervous and excited. Here we go!

Stefan

So... Tired...

Boy oh boy, polls have been only open for an hour and a half, and I've already been disenfranchised... Out of a good night's sleep!

But seriously folks, here's a run-down of the days top stories:

Cnn.com: Election Day Begins

NY Times: Record Turnout Forecast

Fox News: Voting Begins on Election Day

MSN.com: Crack the Office Dress Code! 9 Tips

So apparently, there's some sort of election happening today. Except on MSN.

According to Slate, although they have the electoral college technicaly tied, conventional wisdom holds that the incumbent never gets more than his last pre-election poll. AND, the incumbent needs to break 50% of the pre-election polled... people... to win.

Which Bush does not have. They're predicting Kerry will end up between 276 & 291.

Okay, bloggerinos, it's time for my traditional pre-voting shower, and then I'm off to the polls! Time to choose... or lose.

-Alex

The Night Before Elect-mas

Okay, so a quick check in with the polls before I go to bed:

Slate:
269 Kerry
269 Bush

Electoral Vote.com:
298 Kerry
231 Bush

NY Times:
242 Kerry
227 Bush
69 Swing

Zogby:
264 Kerry
247 Bush
27 Tie


Tomorrow... It begins!

Ice Hockey

Geoff here. I'm sorry to undermine my patriotic compatriot, but telling your boss you are at an ice hockey game and cheering for the Rangers is probably a pretty bad idea, considering the whole NHL lockout thing. BUT here are some other things you can tell him/her!

-I'm at a preseason NBA game! Go Knicks!
-I'm at a college hockey game! Go Big Red!
-I'm at the movies! Go Paul Giammati in "Sideways"!
-I'm sick! Go lymph nodes!
-I'm still freaking voting! It's taking me a long time to decide, all right?

As for tomorrow, I'm very anxious/excited. I'm hoping we as a country can bust on past that 50% voter turnout thing we've been hovering near in the past few elections. Prediction: 65%. That's probably optimistic, but hey. I'm an optimist!

Interesting hypothetical I thought of: would you rather 25% voter turnout and your candidate elected or 100% voter turnout and the other guy gets elected? I will pose it to my fellow Elephants. And anyone else reading if they'd care to use those nifty comment buttons!

Chillin' At The Election Dae Inn

...actually, go vote first thing in the morning, and then when you're done, call work, and tell them you're stuck in the voting line, and should be there as soon as possible.

But make sure that something like the "Pina Colada Song" is playing in the background, and halfway through complaining about what a mess this voting process is, some sexy lady asks you if you want more drinks.

Call them back an hour later, but make sure you're at some sort of Ice Hockey game, and yell "Come on, Rangers! Yeah! I love Ice Hockey!" when your Boss tells you, "Okay, whenever you can make it in."

Lastly, call back at the end of the day, and make it very clear that you're in the middle of having sex or something, groaning, "Oh, baby, I totally voted hours ago. Oh yeah."

This is assuming you want to get fired. Otherwise, after you vote, go get yourself a Frappucino, and then go to work and do nothing but monitor exit polls like the rest of us.

Where to Find Your Polling Place

Actually, just to keep contradicting things, here's the info on where to find your polling place.

First of all, they don't make this very easy. Coupled with the glut of voters tomorrow, there's going to be a lot of people wandering around, very lost.

Here's Yahoo's Directory of State Polling Place Locators.

And specifically for New York, check out THIS SITE. It, as well, is a little confusing. But click on your county, and you'll get the number of your local elections board, NOT the address of your polling place. Call them, and they should be able to tell you where to go.

Anyway, I post this because I've already gotten several people asking me where they need to go.

Also: don't worry about long lines. Go vote before work, and if you're late, saying you were voting is a totally valid excuse. By the end of the day, the lines are going to be ridiculous.

Poll(s)

Here's some possibly useful information to make you barf until tomorrow:

- Don't know where your polling place is? Check out My Polling Place. However, it didn't find my polling place, and then promptly crashed my computer. So, you know, good luck with that.

- Slate has an excellent summary of the polls from pretty much every other publication at their Election Scorecard. You may need to refresh the page, or check their main page to get the most current tabulation. By the way, it's currently tied, 269 to 269. This morning it was 299 for Kerry, and then an hour later, Bush was up with 284. BLAAAAHHHH!!!

- Electoral Vote is also a pretty good summary, albeit a totally different count than Slate's.

- And of course, there's the NY Times Vote Counter, which is just fun to play with.

Plus, there's Gallup, Zogby, etc.

You know what? I by no means want to get cocky here, or jinx anything. But even though you have Bush SLIGHTLY leading in conventional polls, these multi-poll tabulators have Kerry either gaining or ahead.

Granted, it could go either way here, but I'm beginning to wonder if we might have one of the following scenarios:

1. Bush wins, but either by court order or a slight margin.
2. Kerry wins, and wins BIG.

We'll see, shan't we?

Oh, and that "My Polling Place" thing sucks... I think MSN crashed it. If I find a better link, I'll post it in the comments section.

Stefan Lawrence, Reporting for Duty

Hey, Stefan here, reporting in.

I'll be continually refreshing my web browser and obsessing non-stop all day and sharing my horrible flopsweat anxiety with all 8 of you reading this! Why you're going to be reading a comedy group's election blog and not a real political blog is beyond me, but dammit, you're still going to be getting the finest uninformed, emotional, and subjective blogging around.

In case you're wondering, I, like the rest of New York City apparently, support Kerry, even though his graphic design has uniformly sucked and I actually like Bush-Cheney's logo much better. Sigh.

I'll be ending every post with Salud!

Salud!

Also...

...I'll be ending every post with the word, "enjoy."

Enjoy!


PS: Stefan tells me he'll be joining the blogging fun tomorrow. Boo-yah!

We're the Only One's Doing This

By the way, this blog has been certified 100% Unique by the Bloggers of America (BOA).

Meaning, I realize that everybody and their internet-savvy Mom will be blogging along to the Election tomorrow. However, where else can you get this official preview excerpt from Robert Novak's CNN Blog? Nowhere else:

8:32 am: Seems like an interesting start.
9:00 am: Nice.
10:10 am: Really? I didn't think that he felt that way.
12:24 pm: I think Bush is going to take this one.
2:58 pm: I can't believe
4:01 pm: Wait, is this on the internet?
4:34 pm: Aha.
4:45 pm: So you mean anything I'm typing is being posted on CNN.com?
4:46 pm: But they can see what I'm looking at right now, right? No? Wow, someone should have told me that earlier.

Anyway, enjoy!

The End of the Beginning of the Precursor

What up, my homies! Alex here, with your official Elephant Larry Election Day Blog.

In an effort to be all topical and stuff, and also to drive myself TOTALLY CRAZY, I'll be updating this as frequently as possible.

Hopefully, the other Elephant's will weigh in during the day, and maybe, just maybe, we'll all get through this together without barfing.

Enjoy!